Do We Try for Another Child?

So Jay and I decided that we would try for 6 months to one year, primarily because of my age and the fact that I needed to decide that if in that time frame a baby wasn't conceived, I'd let it go. Let it go....obviously not without tears and desperate desire to hold another baby of ours and give a sibling to Liam, but move on without thinking of it still being a possibility for us.

I called my favorite doctor, Dr. Richard Jamison, who delivered Liam, to have a consultation. Although he had always told me we could do this again, with a cerclage this time as a precautionary measure, I hadn't been ready. Of course, Dr. Jamison was still wonderful and reassured me once again that we could do this. We went over my file, the numbers, the trajectory of how things happened last time, but eventually he said, "Honey, I know you are a smart girl, but sometimes you need to decide with your heart and not with your head, then have some faith." Those were the words I must have needed to hear because I left feeling excited.

However, Dr. Jamison had also sent me to have a mammogram because of my age to establish a baseline. Of course things wouldn't be so simple. I had the first one, not as bad as I would have thought...because I am small (both breasted and thin) and because I am flexible enough to manipulate into any pose. However, something showed up and they wanted me to do it again. The second one still was not good and because of the location they couldn't do an ultrasound. So Dr. Jamison ordered a biopsy (which of course is what I wanted since I didn't want to sit not knowing since I was about to start trying to conceive again).

Long story short, I had the biopsy and the results were negative for the spots they'd seen. Benign is always a good word. So we were now going to try. And after all this, I prayed that it would happen sooner rather than later because I was beginning to get scared and was afraid I'd change my mind.

Wanting Another Child

After Liam was born and we were fortuitous that he was healthy, even at his small 4 lbs., we had decided that we would have no more children of our own. Five and a half months in bed, 10 weeks in the hospital, had cured me of wanting to take that type of chance again. So at my first doctor's visit, I had an IUD inserted. After three years however, I struggled with the desire to have another child. I had always seen four of us around the dinner table. Jay was fearful, of course, and while I was also, my need to have another child and a sibling for Liam was stronger than any fear.

My IUD had been causing funny things in my body for the past six months and I thought I was pregnant. Totally scared, I decided to wait to find out for a couple of weeks because I wasn't ready to decide what I'd do. When the test came out negative, I was saddened. That told me what I needed to do.

One day at my friend's Thelma's house, my eyes got stuck onto a plaque on the wall that stated, "Courage." I stared at it for a long time and it was there in that moment that I decided we had to do it again. I had the courage and that was all it took just to try. That didn't mean it would result in anything or in what I wanted, but trying was the first step we needed to take.

Without agenda, only a babysitter (mom), one night later that week Jay and I went to have sushi at a great restaurant and then to a movie. During dinner I brought up the subject of wanting to try again. I got teary eyed just because the subject of babies, carrying a baby, and all of that ensued for me brought up a deep sense of vulnerability I was still carrying years after Liam. Now that Liam and his sensory issues were almost gone and everything was simple again, I was ready to take that leap of faith.

Books To Read

• On Folly Beach - White, Karen
• Father of the Rain - King, Lily
• The Widower's Tale - Glass, Julia
• Some Assembly Required - Bonasia, Lynn Kiele
• Local Knowledge - Gyllenhaal, Liza
• The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox - O'Farrell, Maggie
• Bury Your Dead - Louise Penny
• Some Assembly Required - Lynn Bonasia
  
• The House on Oyster Creek - Heidi Jon Schmidt

Essay to Liam

Early this evening, after spending the afternoon at the pool with friends, you fell asleep on the sofa. And while dinner was in the oven, you woke up and I comforted you. Rubbing my fingers through your hair I sat, watching you, marveling at your essence. I could not help to observe how you've grown in these short, four years. The changes in your life, while brief, have been enormous. And even more enormous has been the joy you have brought to my life. I stared at your face for a while like I used to when you were a baby. I caught my heart falling in love with you once again. I looked at the large freckle that is growing on your cheek that in time will be a mole just like your father's, even on the same side. It looks just like you see the one he had when he was three.

I marveled at the blondness of your hair, how fine it is compared to mine and your father's. Your dark red lips on that porcelain white skin. Your cute bubble nose and those incredibly long eye lashes like mine. I watched and listened to the rise and fall of your breath. But this time, the beauty of it was to simply love you yet not fear the newness of being a mother. It was in not wondering whether you would be all right. Just staring, loving, listening. Holding you like I used to when I could encapsulate you in my arms. Except that now I can hug you with the depths of my heart wrapping my body around yours and knowing I will not crush you. Thank you for those minutes. They were wonderful. I look forward to so many others.

I love you with all my heart and soul. You fill me with so much happiness and joy that makes me grateful you chose me to be your mother. I have learned so much from you.

Baxter

It's been so helpful to read your blog and the posts following your description of Tofu. I just rescued a Dachshund/beagle mix with mostly the Dachshund personality. I've always had easily trained Labs and this has thrown our lives upside down. Baxter, 18 months, is the most loving little guy, energetic and sweet. NEEDS to be with me all the time, touching me. The separation anxiety with crying is driving me crazy. I have a kong, but he's gained so much weight I've had to reduce its use. I do crate training because he's chewed three shoes in three months. We have bones for him everywhere now and that has really helped. In the middle of the night he makes scratches his neck so as to make his collar jingle so we'll wake up (we've taken it off).

He expects to be walked (20 minutes at a time) 3-4 times per day. He cries if it's one of those times (he has an internal clock) and he's not walked. He'll follow me around barking and crying at me. He expects to be walked every time I return, even if it was a 30 minute trip to the grocery store. I can't do anything without him being at my feet and if I need to do something with my hands at his level he will not let me accomplish the task. Did I mention that I have a 4 year old son who loves him and whom Baxter jumps on hurting him (he's a pretty strong and sturdy little guy). Tug of war all the time. He is such a nipper and I don't know how to break him of that. For instance, I can take a bone from him and he's fine with it but if my son does than Baxter will bite him (lightly but enough to hurt and scare). I take him to the dog park a couple of times per week because he is so social, but he always seems to need more in every category of dog ownership.

I have a gated upstairs and if I close the gate on him he'll pee on the stairs (I think just for revenge). I gated a backyard for him and he can't be out there without me (even if my husband and son are out there, he'll be crying for me).

I've just called a trainer because I think he had a rough beginning and I want to keep him but if I can't modify these behaviors I'm afraid I won't be able to. I've taken other dogs through training classes but none have had these issues to this degree.

My baby is almost 4!!

Where did all this time go? Although Liam's terrible two's started much too early and stayed much too late, I believe he has really turned the corner. In a month he will 4 and he is changing every day (for the better) in little ways that I can see. Is it possible that now, once again, after two very tumultuous years, I'm falling in love with my little peanut all over again? He is the sweetest little boy. Hugs and kisses me all day long, tells me he loves me all the time, blows kisses at me when I drop him off at school (I know this will change so now I'll just relish in it), and at night when we put him to sleep.

His teacher could not be more pleased with him and the changes she's seen in the past year. From this shy little boy to now a little boy with friends, who uses his words, is bossy at times, more self-confident. I couldn't ask for more. Except more of the same.

I have to admit, we are a very tight unit in our home. It was evident the other day as the three of us somehow found ourselves, one after the other, in the shower together, playing basketball after a day out in the yard. Sometimes I wonder if we are too close and whether or not it would have been good to adopt. But now finally feeling some consistently good behavior from Liam we are finally feeling relieved. I'd be too afraid to take that risk and mess things up for any of us and watch him slide. At least I can admit that we don't want to take that risk and we are okay with that. Even at the expense of giving up my longtime hopes of having a family of four. I am slowly making peace with it. And while not all there yet, I am truly lucky to have what I have - a wonderful, truly happy marriage to the love of my life, my soul partner, and a child that loves me affectionately every day. To not consider myself truly lucky would be spitting in the face of the universe. I am a happy momma.

Stained Glass Class

Four weeks ago I started taking a stained glass making class. It has been something I've wanted to try to see if it was a hobby I'd want to pursue long term. After four weeks I can say I do. I thought I'd want to only do it in a class and I wouldn't do it at home, but after a couple of weeks I couldn't wait to the next class. So I am sad that my last class will be this Wednesday and the intermediate class won't be offered again until November. So I will start doing this at home. I will have to get materials (which will be greatly less expensive than Jay's). We couldn't afford two expensive hobbies. But it will be nice to have a little shop alongside Jay's in the garage.

While it is not as dangerous as I thought, cutting glass is a science. It has taken me three weeks to learn how to "hear the sizzle" in the cutting. But breaking for my little hands is harder, so I use the pliers. I guess I don't trust myself yet to either break it right or to not cut my hands in cutting the glass. I have ended up with sliced thumbs due to grinding rough edges and cuts due to carelessly handling the glass. I will be learning to solder this week and I'm excited.

I already have so many projects in mind - Buddhist mandalas, prayer flags, architectural pieces for my oddly shaped windows. But first things first, I have to finish my piece and bring it home this week. I am very excited.

Playground for Liam

I continually am astounded by the love of my life, Jay, in so many ways. Where do I begin? The amazing love for his little boy propelled him to think of building him a playset in our backyard. Of course, because my husband does NOTHING on a small scale, he took it upon himself to use a computer program, Sketch Up (the creativity and ability to learn anything), to draft a beautiful plan for this playset. It included two, two story towers, a bridge that joins them with swing set underneath it, a long, professional slide, climbing walls, internal ladders, and more. Three months later, he has amazed me again by actually having built three fourths of it. Every weekend and practically every night has been spent building it (which leads to my love of his determination, love, and perseverance to seeing something through- not to mention the quality he values most- being a man of his word). And can I say that the playset has already exceeded my expectations. As he always does. Liam said, "Mommy, that is not a playset, that's a playground." That sums it up. His craftsmanship and the seriousness to which he brings to everything he places his hands on further brings beauty and grace to our lives. I am ever so spoiled to have him in my life every day. I never have and never will take it for granted. I am a lucky, lucky woman!!

Books I've Read

Books Read (2008-Present):

Fiction

1. Breakable You by Brian Morton – 07-26-09
2. Olive Kitteridge: Fiction by Elizabeth Strout – 07-18-09
3. Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1) by Stephenie Meyer – 06-19-09
4. The Year of Pleasures: A Novel by Elizabeth Berg - '09
5. Open House: A Novel by Elizabeth Berg - '09
6. The Art of Mending by Elizabeth Berg - '09
7. The Knitting Circle: A Novel by Ann Hood - '09
8. The Killing Game (Eve Duncan) by Iris Johansen - '09
9. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
10. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
11. Looking for Rachel Wallace by Robert B. Parker
12. Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri
13. Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri
14. The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
15. Belong to Me: A Novel by Marisa De Los Santos
16. The Beach House: A Novel by Jane Green
17. Second Chance by Jane Green
18. The Lace Reader by Brunonia Barry
19. The Ten-Year Nap by Meg Wolitzer
20. The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan
21. The Thirteenth Tale: A Novel by Diane Setterfield
22. The House on Fortune Street: A Novel (P.S.) by Margot Livesey
23. The Condition: A Novel (P.S.) by Jennifer Haigh
24. Night and Day (Jesse Stone) by Robert B. Parker
25. Perish Twice (Sunny Randall) by Robert B. Parker
26. Spare Change (Sunny Randall) by Robert B. Parker
27. Now and Then (Spenser) by Robert B. Parker
28. Stranger in Paradise (Jesse Stone Novels) by Robert B. Parker
29. High Profile (Jesse Stone) by Robert B. Parker
30. The Heretic's Daughter: A Novel by Kathleen Kent
31. Run: A Novel by Ann Patchett
32. Family History: A Novel by Dani Shapiro
33. On Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan
34. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
35. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan: A Novel by Lisa See
36. Sister of My Heart: A Novel by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
37. Vine of Desire: A Novel by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
38. Queen of Dreams by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
39. Arranged Marriage: Stories by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
40. A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry
41. Family Matters by Rohinton Mistry
42. Starting out in the Evening by Brian Morton
43. Still Life by Louise Penny
44. A Fatal Grace by Louise Penny
45. Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger
46. A Rule Against Murder by Louise Penny
47. The Cruelest Month by Louise Penny
48. The Brutal Telling by Louise Penny
49. The Writing Circle by Corinne Demas
50. The Hand that First Held Mine by Maggie O'Farrell
51. The Summer We Fell Apart by Robin Antalek
52. After You'd Gone by Maggie O'Farrell
    

Non-Fiction

1. Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
2. Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries (Paperback) by Robert J. MacKenzie Ed.D.
3. The Pocket Parent by Gail Reichlin
4. Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Hal Edward Runkel
5. The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine Aron
6. Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication by Dr. Haim G. Ginott

Mi Argentina Querida, "Cuando Te Vuelva a Ver"

I have this tango playing over and over in my heart right now. I miss Argentina badly right now. I have this urge to "go home." I told Jay this the other day and told him that while my home is with him, my heart is with him, there is still a part of me that still longs for my home there. And because the farm feels the same way to him, he understands I think without feeling badly. So I talked to my parents about the thought and possibility of going to Argentina in October of this year and then asked Jay after knowing my parents could travel with us at that time. It would make it so much easier to travel with them if Liam is going.

This trip I want it all to be for pleasure and not for obligations. I told my parents that I would only see who I wanted to see and do what I wanted without having to do obligatory house calls. They seemed okay with it. I want most of all to go for a couple of days and one night at least with Jay alone (while Liam stays with my parents) to a place in the mountains where there are mud baths and thermals. A spa Maria and Nathan went to and my parents also visited a couple of years ago. It would be so wonderful to experience that with Jay, the love of my life, in the mountains I love so much. Good wine, baths, mountain fresh air, fine food and just alone, together. I think we've earned that. Especially this year. Although I'm sure Jay would much rather go to another country and continent for that matter, Liam is still quite young and we can't leave him behind with mom and dad yet and taking him would be too much for all of us if it's a place we've never visited. Specially with his requirements.

I am also dying to be with my aunts again and since the wonderful world of Facebook, since I've been reconnected with all of the people who gave me such a wonderful childhood, I want to just visit. I want to hug them, cry with them, have mate with them, share my beautiful family with them. Even if I know that Liam will be shy and they won't get to experience him as I do, but they will be crazy about him because he's part of me. That's just the way they are. And I cannot wait. So no matter what, I have to keep this job. I cannot quit it no matter how bad it gets.

I want mi abuelito to meet Liam, I want to take Liam to all of the city parks I spent hours as a child. I want him to breath the city air I grew up breathing (even if the gas is worse now). I want to walk around and get ice cream, visit the zoo in the mountain, eat tons of beef and tomatoes. I just need to be there, walk down those sidewalks with the asequias, slow the pace, feel their anguish without being consumed by it. Even though the elders who loved me have mostly passed, I want to feel them there, in the places I shared with them.

Adjusting to work schedule

Today has been the most boring day at work but I have to say that is a good thing. This week I have been working diligently on getting acclimated to working two nights per week and the Saturday. So by Friday I’m tired, I’m ready for a day off and I realize that I have yet, two more days to go. So yesterday I spent a lovely afternoon with Liam outside. I had him help me clean out my car, I played soccer with him in the front yard, watched him throw rocks into the fountain while I had yogurt, and then the kids next door saw us outside and decided to come out. The cutest thing happened – Liam and the little girl next door started bringing things out to show each other, without really communicating, while using me and the other lady as their mouth pieces. Then the son came out with his scooter, so Liam went inside and brought his out, then the boy went and brought out his bike, and Liam did the same.

We spent about 3 hours out there, with no time for me to cook dinner before Jay got home so I could very quickly rush back to work. I did a new student orientation. A sad four out of 8 students showed up and then I went home at 7:30. I have to admit that while I don’t like this schedule, it’s either not as bad to break up the day because I do get playtime with Liam, but then I’m also home before bedtime. I had some wine, we watched Bugs Life for the millionth time before going to bed.

Library Days

Today, being a Saturday, presents the challenges of going to work both because I would much rather stay home with my boys, especially since Jay starts his weekend, and because it is the end of the work week for me. This morning I was greeted with Liam waking up, yet again, extremely early (4 a.m.) and then he cried because he didn’t want me to go to work, until the Christmas package from Holly arrived.

Work was really busy this morning. The busiest the library has ever been in the 5 months I’ve been here. And then, in the middle of my helping a student deal with personal problems, crying included, one of my favorite instructors shows up to whisk me away to a faculty meeting to which I have a presentation to give. The little hiccup is that my Dean never told me I was part of the agenda and of course never gave me the items of which I was supposed to speak. So I went an ad libbed the whole thing, looking at her intermittently to make sure I was supported in what I was conveying. I was shaking, which is strange for me. I was not prepared nor did I have a couple of minutes to do so. I think it was well received and I conveyed the main points that have needed to have been addressed a long time ago.

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful, for which I’m grateful. I look forward to going home, even if it’s a toy-ridden mess, to have some NY strip steak, wine, and love all over my boys. I miss them so much it hurts. Every day it gets harder and harder. I keep thinking every day, I can always quit. Which makes it a little easier to get through the day, even if it was not the best decision. This morning driving in to work I thought, “You can’t quit, you need this for your resume.” And I do. So I must stick it out no matter how hard the schedule and how poor the pay. It will also help us still to pay the bills, prepare for the future, save some money.

My 35th Birthday

This is the morning of my 35^th birthday. I wish I could say I feel celebratory but I am more the melancholic birthday person. I don’t know if this change happens with age nor can I remember when this happened but I tend to reflect on the very recent past and then immediately to my youth, particularly the time when I lived mostly with my grandparents. This morning I miss my grandmother most of all, and immediately I was pulled into the emotions I experienced as a child, as though I was watching myself with her from above. I pictured us in the many times I sat at her small kitchen table talking with her while she cooked a vegetable soup. I heard her voice, so distinctly still. The intonation of her speech still resonates so presently lingering in the way in which she said my name. I wish most of all today to be with her, to have her be present, to meet my husband, my son, her great-grandchild. But most of all, just to sit with me, even though I know she couldn’t sit still without doing something around the house.

Today I cannot believe how time has flown. How disconnected I feel from the teenager I once was. All of those fun adventures who make me part of what I am today seem so different than the mother, wife, professional I now I am. And yet, I still feel like a little girl inside. Sometimes seeking refuge in the comforting thoughts of my childhood. The security, warmth and love those memories bring back every time I need them. Finding music to further bring on the feelings I needed to feel I turned on the iPod and immediately I was drawn for some reason to Carly Simon’s “Coming Around Again.” Then immediately I had to play the recently deceased, Mercedes Sosa, particularly the song, “Todo Camia,” as everything does change. And yes, at this point I felt quite awful and like a person on top of the CN Tower in Toronto looking down and feeling so incredibly small in the life’s great scheme.

I try to think of what would make me feel more celebratory, if indeed there is something or if my personality and the fact that I’ve worked all week, am working today and will be working tomorrow could make me feel like a glass of Champagne.

So instead of going to dinner, I opted for what I really wanted to do, stay home with my boys, have my parents come over. Jay ordered Pizza for everyone and then he picked up Sushi for me. Had a lovely Navarro Correa Malbec bottle my dad brought and the whole while, I was in my comfy pajamas. Nothing could top that. Easy night, shower, bed, and sleep.

Crazy Wednesdays

This morning started out gently and a little slow…as slow as it can with my beautiful son, Liam at 3 ½, a cup of pumpkin spice coffee (which I love), and the relief that I don’t have to be at work until 1:30 p.m. I had set myself up nicely last night as I made Liam’s lunch after doing dishes and prepared the coffee pot (then the morning can be dedicated to more play time with Liam at a more relaxed pace. We read and discussed a book of trains that Holly gave him for Christmas for quite a while and hung around the house before dashing off to school.

At school I told his fabulous teacher, Ms. Wanda, that I needed to speak to her. I went to Jessica’s house to see her, since I hadn’t since early December. Of course, her friend was there and the conversation only revolved around child-rearing, as it only can with stay-at-home moms. Not to sound judgmental, but it would be so nice if women could not lose all sense of themselves or personal identification did not revolve around their children – it’s always about behavior, breast-feeding, the best schools….blah blah blah.

This was enough to drive me right into the gym. On the way there I called Ms. Wanda. And while I was a bit anxious about being dismissed in my discussion of Liam’s classmate being a bully and saying bad words and the child being another teacher’s son, the conversation went far better than expected. I will have to remember to follow up with her in the next couple of days.

At the gym, I made an appointment with Kenny the trainer for next Weds. I need to seriously gain some muscle weight and get into shape. I worked out not too hard but hard enough. Feeling good I left the gym out of breath. I went home and juiced all my veggies, ate quickly, showered, and went to work. I was pooped by the time I got there, too much emotional drama and physical strain made me want to crawl into bed for a long nap instead of doing library stuff.

At the library (being the Academic Librarian for Everglades University), I had a lot to do. Sending emails to faculty in effort, as always, to market library services to faculty and their students. Did lab hours, blog entry, last month’s reports (3 of them), and lab hours where I got to see faculty after the new year (more marketing). It was the first night of classes and the school was quite busy and loud, it was nice for a change. At the end of the night though, I hate to admit that I puttered out and read my Kindle for a half an hour before going home.

Back home, at 10:20 p.m., Liam was still awake, so it was nice to see him, if only for a moment. I had a quick dinner and shower before sliding into my warm bed with tons of blankets and a heat pad. Dreading the morning, which will come all too quickly, where it starts all over again. Thursday mornings are the hardest. Back to work too soon, makes me tired and I miss Liam terribly.