Mi Argentina Querida, "Cuando Te Vuelva a Ver"

I have this tango playing over and over in my heart right now. I miss Argentina badly right now. I have this urge to "go home." I told Jay this the other day and told him that while my home is with him, my heart is with him, there is still a part of me that still longs for my home there. And because the farm feels the same way to him, he understands I think without feeling badly. So I talked to my parents about the thought and possibility of going to Argentina in October of this year and then asked Jay after knowing my parents could travel with us at that time. It would make it so much easier to travel with them if Liam is going.

This trip I want it all to be for pleasure and not for obligations. I told my parents that I would only see who I wanted to see and do what I wanted without having to do obligatory house calls. They seemed okay with it. I want most of all to go for a couple of days and one night at least with Jay alone (while Liam stays with my parents) to a place in the mountains where there are mud baths and thermals. A spa Maria and Nathan went to and my parents also visited a couple of years ago. It would be so wonderful to experience that with Jay, the love of my life, in the mountains I love so much. Good wine, baths, mountain fresh air, fine food and just alone, together. I think we've earned that. Especially this year. Although I'm sure Jay would much rather go to another country and continent for that matter, Liam is still quite young and we can't leave him behind with mom and dad yet and taking him would be too much for all of us if it's a place we've never visited. Specially with his requirements.

I am also dying to be with my aunts again and since the wonderful world of Facebook, since I've been reconnected with all of the people who gave me such a wonderful childhood, I want to just visit. I want to hug them, cry with them, have mate with them, share my beautiful family with them. Even if I know that Liam will be shy and they won't get to experience him as I do, but they will be crazy about him because he's part of me. That's just the way they are. And I cannot wait. So no matter what, I have to keep this job. I cannot quit it no matter how bad it gets.

I want mi abuelito to meet Liam, I want to take Liam to all of the city parks I spent hours as a child. I want him to breath the city air I grew up breathing (even if the gas is worse now). I want to walk around and get ice cream, visit the zoo in the mountain, eat tons of beef and tomatoes. I just need to be there, walk down those sidewalks with the asequias, slow the pace, feel their anguish without being consumed by it. Even though the elders who loved me have mostly passed, I want to feel them there, in the places I shared with them.

Adjusting to work schedule

Today has been the most boring day at work but I have to say that is a good thing. This week I have been working diligently on getting acclimated to working two nights per week and the Saturday. So by Friday I’m tired, I’m ready for a day off and I realize that I have yet, two more days to go. So yesterday I spent a lovely afternoon with Liam outside. I had him help me clean out my car, I played soccer with him in the front yard, watched him throw rocks into the fountain while I had yogurt, and then the kids next door saw us outside and decided to come out. The cutest thing happened – Liam and the little girl next door started bringing things out to show each other, without really communicating, while using me and the other lady as their mouth pieces. Then the son came out with his scooter, so Liam went inside and brought his out, then the boy went and brought out his bike, and Liam did the same.

We spent about 3 hours out there, with no time for me to cook dinner before Jay got home so I could very quickly rush back to work. I did a new student orientation. A sad four out of 8 students showed up and then I went home at 7:30. I have to admit that while I don’t like this schedule, it’s either not as bad to break up the day because I do get playtime with Liam, but then I’m also home before bedtime. I had some wine, we watched Bugs Life for the millionth time before going to bed.

Library Days

Today, being a Saturday, presents the challenges of going to work both because I would much rather stay home with my boys, especially since Jay starts his weekend, and because it is the end of the work week for me. This morning I was greeted with Liam waking up, yet again, extremely early (4 a.m.) and then he cried because he didn’t want me to go to work, until the Christmas package from Holly arrived.

Work was really busy this morning. The busiest the library has ever been in the 5 months I’ve been here. And then, in the middle of my helping a student deal with personal problems, crying included, one of my favorite instructors shows up to whisk me away to a faculty meeting to which I have a presentation to give. The little hiccup is that my Dean never told me I was part of the agenda and of course never gave me the items of which I was supposed to speak. So I went an ad libbed the whole thing, looking at her intermittently to make sure I was supported in what I was conveying. I was shaking, which is strange for me. I was not prepared nor did I have a couple of minutes to do so. I think it was well received and I conveyed the main points that have needed to have been addressed a long time ago.

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful, for which I’m grateful. I look forward to going home, even if it’s a toy-ridden mess, to have some NY strip steak, wine, and love all over my boys. I miss them so much it hurts. Every day it gets harder and harder. I keep thinking every day, I can always quit. Which makes it a little easier to get through the day, even if it was not the best decision. This morning driving in to work I thought, “You can’t quit, you need this for your resume.” And I do. So I must stick it out no matter how hard the schedule and how poor the pay. It will also help us still to pay the bills, prepare for the future, save some money.

My 35th Birthday

This is the morning of my 35^th birthday. I wish I could say I feel celebratory but I am more the melancholic birthday person. I don’t know if this change happens with age nor can I remember when this happened but I tend to reflect on the very recent past and then immediately to my youth, particularly the time when I lived mostly with my grandparents. This morning I miss my grandmother most of all, and immediately I was pulled into the emotions I experienced as a child, as though I was watching myself with her from above. I pictured us in the many times I sat at her small kitchen table talking with her while she cooked a vegetable soup. I heard her voice, so distinctly still. The intonation of her speech still resonates so presently lingering in the way in which she said my name. I wish most of all today to be with her, to have her be present, to meet my husband, my son, her great-grandchild. But most of all, just to sit with me, even though I know she couldn’t sit still without doing something around the house.

Today I cannot believe how time has flown. How disconnected I feel from the teenager I once was. All of those fun adventures who make me part of what I am today seem so different than the mother, wife, professional I now I am. And yet, I still feel like a little girl inside. Sometimes seeking refuge in the comforting thoughts of my childhood. The security, warmth and love those memories bring back every time I need them. Finding music to further bring on the feelings I needed to feel I turned on the iPod and immediately I was drawn for some reason to Carly Simon’s “Coming Around Again.” Then immediately I had to play the recently deceased, Mercedes Sosa, particularly the song, “Todo Camia,” as everything does change. And yes, at this point I felt quite awful and like a person on top of the CN Tower in Toronto looking down and feeling so incredibly small in the life’s great scheme.

I try to think of what would make me feel more celebratory, if indeed there is something or if my personality and the fact that I’ve worked all week, am working today and will be working tomorrow could make me feel like a glass of Champagne.

So instead of going to dinner, I opted for what I really wanted to do, stay home with my boys, have my parents come over. Jay ordered Pizza for everyone and then he picked up Sushi for me. Had a lovely Navarro Correa Malbec bottle my dad brought and the whole while, I was in my comfy pajamas. Nothing could top that. Easy night, shower, bed, and sleep.

Crazy Wednesdays

This morning started out gently and a little slow…as slow as it can with my beautiful son, Liam at 3 ½, a cup of pumpkin spice coffee (which I love), and the relief that I don’t have to be at work until 1:30 p.m. I had set myself up nicely last night as I made Liam’s lunch after doing dishes and prepared the coffee pot (then the morning can be dedicated to more play time with Liam at a more relaxed pace. We read and discussed a book of trains that Holly gave him for Christmas for quite a while and hung around the house before dashing off to school.

At school I told his fabulous teacher, Ms. Wanda, that I needed to speak to her. I went to Jessica’s house to see her, since I hadn’t since early December. Of course, her friend was there and the conversation only revolved around child-rearing, as it only can with stay-at-home moms. Not to sound judgmental, but it would be so nice if women could not lose all sense of themselves or personal identification did not revolve around their children – it’s always about behavior, breast-feeding, the best schools….blah blah blah.

This was enough to drive me right into the gym. On the way there I called Ms. Wanda. And while I was a bit anxious about being dismissed in my discussion of Liam’s classmate being a bully and saying bad words and the child being another teacher’s son, the conversation went far better than expected. I will have to remember to follow up with her in the next couple of days.

At the gym, I made an appointment with Kenny the trainer for next Weds. I need to seriously gain some muscle weight and get into shape. I worked out not too hard but hard enough. Feeling good I left the gym out of breath. I went home and juiced all my veggies, ate quickly, showered, and went to work. I was pooped by the time I got there, too much emotional drama and physical strain made me want to crawl into bed for a long nap instead of doing library stuff.

At the library (being the Academic Librarian for Everglades University), I had a lot to do. Sending emails to faculty in effort, as always, to market library services to faculty and their students. Did lab hours, blog entry, last month’s reports (3 of them), and lab hours where I got to see faculty after the new year (more marketing). It was the first night of classes and the school was quite busy and loud, it was nice for a change. At the end of the night though, I hate to admit that I puttered out and read my Kindle for a half an hour before going home.

Back home, at 10:20 p.m., Liam was still awake, so it was nice to see him, if only for a moment. I had a quick dinner and shower before sliding into my warm bed with tons of blankets and a heat pad. Dreading the morning, which will come all too quickly, where it starts all over again. Thursday mornings are the hardest. Back to work too soon, makes me tired and I miss Liam terribly.