Letter to the Baby in My Belly

Dear Flutters,

Thank you for the miracle of allowing me to carry you. Each and every day I give thanks to God and the universe for her hand in giving me the courage to get pregnant again and then for having it happen so quickly before fears made that courage wain. I have written letters to you in my head so many times during this pregnancy but somehow, feeling less than well has not allowed me to commit them to paper. Today we are between our 23rd and 24th week together and I am starting to feel better physically. Your daddy and I have decided not to find out whether you are a boy or a girl. I rather be excited by your flutters and looking at my belly move than in picturing what you will look like, or even put any expectations on you as gender somehow does even unconsciously. (When I was pregnant with your older brother, Liam, I did not wait and subsequently saw what he could look like at the face of every little boy I saw.) Now I rather live in the fun of not knowing, relishing in your movements and concentrate on growing you strong and healthy regardless of your gender.

You are already such a mover. I relish in all your movements. Most women would be upset to have a high risk pregnancy in which they must take periods of rest but this is when I attune myself to you, and you alone. I was fortunate to do this with Liam and I wouldn't have it any other way. These are memories that create a bonding love that seals us together for the future to come. The nurturing that begins in these moments are nothing to be taken lightly. Last night, lying in bed you were moving your little feet in a stroking pattern across the middle of my belly. It seemed as though you were using the bottom of your toes to gently tickle me. In excitement I shared it with your daddy and wished that he could feel it too.

For the past month or so your schedule has become very defined. I can tell exactly what time it is by your movements. You already have a pattern that is fairly routine. In the evening, after we put Liam to bed I come to bed after a relaxing shower where I just stare at the growth my belly is taking. And without fail, at 9:30 each night I know it is so because you start your most moving times. For 45 minutes to one hour you squirm, kick, move your arms, all in what already seems like a vie for attention. I stop what I'm doing and instantly a smile curls from the edges of my lips. The anticipation starts to build as all I can think of is the time that perhaps this will be our time together - your daddy and I with you in our bed completely marveling at the immenseness of love for someone so tiny, like we did with Liam, and all the while knowing how lucky we are to have our hearts open once more.

I can't help to think that you are developing a little personality as well in there. You have your favorite positions at certain times of the day. Every evening, after the hour long movements it's as though you are ready to surrender into slumber. Once your movements come to an end, after a couple of minutes you get restless and if I'm sitting up in bed, or reclining just a bit, you try to manipulate me into lying down. You will quickly position the backside of your body fully towards the right of my belly, pushing so immensely tight, creating a visibly lopsided bubble of my belly, bringing on a contraction that takes my breath away. And I know the only way to get you to move is to lie down towards one side or another. I even say, "Okay, okay. I'll lie down." And immediately you settle down and I don't feel you until morning. This just amazes me. I can only hope that will be the case once you are here after you gain enough weight to sustain yourself throughout the night without nursing.

I am so looking forward to the next perinatologist appointment on February 1, where I will see you again on the big screen. The first time I saw you as human looking I marveled at your little bones, so well defined and the clarity with which I could see your movements. It was amazing to watch you kick me and feeling it simultaneously. The following month, which was the last time I saw you, I noticed that your bones were not as visible and I asked Betsy, the sonographer, why that was. And laughingly she answered, "Because the baby is getting fleshier and fuller. Muscles are now wrapping around those tiny bones you saw four weeks before." Oh, if one could only capture in a picture the emotions inside.

It was a couple of days later, sitting in my car with the engine turned off and looking at the pictures from that ultrasound I carry in my wallet, that I fell in love with you. There was no looking back. Amazing how that happens. It was a picture of your face and your hand with your tiny fingers spread openly. Now there is nothing I wouldn't do. My heart swells yet again for another being. And it does amaze me how the heart grows to feel this immense love rather than divide a finite amount of love we are allotted at birth or something. I never thought I could feel this way again and I am so glad to be proven so wrong.