Do We Try for Another Child?

So Jay and I decided that we would try for 6 months to one year, primarily because of my age and the fact that I needed to decide that if in that time frame a baby wasn't conceived, I'd let it go. Let it go....obviously not without tears and desperate desire to hold another baby of ours and give a sibling to Liam, but move on without thinking of it still being a possibility for us.

I called my favorite doctor, Dr. Richard Jamison, who delivered Liam, to have a consultation. Although he had always told me we could do this again, with a cerclage this time as a precautionary measure, I hadn't been ready. Of course, Dr. Jamison was still wonderful and reassured me once again that we could do this. We went over my file, the numbers, the trajectory of how things happened last time, but eventually he said, "Honey, I know you are a smart girl, but sometimes you need to decide with your heart and not with your head, then have some faith." Those were the words I must have needed to hear because I left feeling excited.

However, Dr. Jamison had also sent me to have a mammogram because of my age to establish a baseline. Of course things wouldn't be so simple. I had the first one, not as bad as I would have thought...because I am small (both breasted and thin) and because I am flexible enough to manipulate into any pose. However, something showed up and they wanted me to do it again. The second one still was not good and because of the location they couldn't do an ultrasound. So Dr. Jamison ordered a biopsy (which of course is what I wanted since I didn't want to sit not knowing since I was about to start trying to conceive again).

Long story short, I had the biopsy and the results were negative for the spots they'd seen. Benign is always a good word. So we were now going to try. And after all this, I prayed that it would happen sooner rather than later because I was beginning to get scared and was afraid I'd change my mind.

Wanting Another Child

After Liam was born and we were fortuitous that he was healthy, even at his small 4 lbs., we had decided that we would have no more children of our own. Five and a half months in bed, 10 weeks in the hospital, had cured me of wanting to take that type of chance again. So at my first doctor's visit, I had an IUD inserted. After three years however, I struggled with the desire to have another child. I had always seen four of us around the dinner table. Jay was fearful, of course, and while I was also, my need to have another child and a sibling for Liam was stronger than any fear.

My IUD had been causing funny things in my body for the past six months and I thought I was pregnant. Totally scared, I decided to wait to find out for a couple of weeks because I wasn't ready to decide what I'd do. When the test came out negative, I was saddened. That told me what I needed to do.

One day at my friend's Thelma's house, my eyes got stuck onto a plaque on the wall that stated, "Courage." I stared at it for a long time and it was there in that moment that I decided we had to do it again. I had the courage and that was all it took just to try. That didn't mean it would result in anything or in what I wanted, but trying was the first step we needed to take.

Without agenda, only a babysitter (mom), one night later that week Jay and I went to have sushi at a great restaurant and then to a movie. During dinner I brought up the subject of wanting to try again. I got teary eyed just because the subject of babies, carrying a baby, and all of that ensued for me brought up a deep sense of vulnerability I was still carrying years after Liam. Now that Liam and his sensory issues were almost gone and everything was simple again, I was ready to take that leap of faith.

Books To Read

• On Folly Beach - White, Karen
• Father of the Rain - King, Lily
• The Widower's Tale - Glass, Julia
• Some Assembly Required - Bonasia, Lynn Kiele
• Local Knowledge - Gyllenhaal, Liza
• The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox - O'Farrell, Maggie
• Bury Your Dead - Louise Penny
• Some Assembly Required - Lynn Bonasia
  
• The House on Oyster Creek - Heidi Jon Schmidt