I just looked at the calendar, where every week is marked as another week together. And although I had tried not to mark too many in the future in fear of not making it that far, I have marked up through 37 weeks. I can't believe we're at 36.5 weeks. The last few days have been really rough for us. I keep trying to remind myself at every uncomfortable rising in my body that you must also be feeling cramped in that small space that my body affords you. While my belly feels every tight pulling apart, your body must feel constrained in each of your movements as well. This give and take, tug and pull is amazing if you stop to really think about it. Life is just that way.
While I am ready to meet you and pull you onto my chest and stare at the newness of you I know that we need to hold on for a few more days. Today is a Saturday and our doctor is away until Monday. So we have to play it safe for a little while longer. I have the hospital bag packed, including yours with your little tiny clothes.
I still can't believe that we don't know whether you are a boy or a girl and more so, that we are not crazy to find that out more than whether you will be fair skinned like daddy's family and Liam or more olive complected like my family. Whether you will have dark or light hair, dark or light eyes...and goodness, how big you will be. I know you are already bigger than your brother Liam was at birth, which is wonderful and scary for me during your delivery. I am so excited! I will try to bring up this excitement at every discomfort my body feels.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Photso
In preparing myself for a year long project of mindfulness practice in calculated ways, I've been reading the magazine my sister bought me a subscription to, "Shambhala Sun." In an article titled, "Just Leap!," I read the following passage.
"Our outrageousness in leaping does not come from insecurity, wildness, or insanity. This kind of leap is a form of confidence, a confluence of wisdom mixed with bravery. It has a quality of enlightened calculation and chutzpa, awakened audacity. The Tibetan word is photso, 'accurate assessment." We have, through enlightened assessment, calculated how to go beyond the magnetic pull of the setting sun. We know deep inside that we can do it-and that we must do it."
This passage really describes the leaping I did into this pregnancy. The article discusses that we must take leaps and the concept of abruptness to awaken the mind. I can best be summed up by "A key element of braery, says Sakyong Mipham, is abruptness- the ability to break free from hesitation and suddenly leap from our habitual patterns to the awake mind."
"Our outrageousness in leaping does not come from insecurity, wildness, or insanity. This kind of leap is a form of confidence, a confluence of wisdom mixed with bravery. It has a quality of enlightened calculation and chutzpa, awakened audacity. The Tibetan word is photso, 'accurate assessment." We have, through enlightened assessment, calculated how to go beyond the magnetic pull of the setting sun. We know deep inside that we can do it-and that we must do it."
This passage really describes the leaping I did into this pregnancy. The article discusses that we must take leaps and the concept of abruptness to awaken the mind. I can best be summed up by "A key element of braery, says Sakyong Mipham, is abruptness- the ability to break free from hesitation and suddenly leap from our habitual patterns to the awake mind."
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
35 Weeks Together
We have made it so far, baby. I am so grateful at the divinity in the world manifesting a little bit of itself into the divinity within me. Namaste. For I listened to it, trusted the voice I heard, and allowed myself to surrender to it completely, feeling no fear or negativity. Only hope and light guided my way once I made the decision to have you. Knowing all of the challenges that I would - and which I have faced in this pregnancy, like with Liam's, never deterred me or made me look back. And I have to say that I am proud that at the strength that lies within me that allowed me to follow through. It took four and a half years, but I did it.
I cannot wait to meet you, hold your little body naked and warm it with mine. Cacoon you within my chest and arms. Kiss the top of you head endlessly. Look at the uniqueness and beauty that already is you. Feel a tiny squeeze from your little hand wrap my finger and just get to know you, day by day.
I am so excited to bring you home to the wonderful family Jay and I have created and the extended family we are so blessed to have, who will adore you. I can't wait to watch your daddy fall in love with you like he did with Liam and be so good at taking care of you; your brother hug you and give you kisses, wanting to hold you and watch every poopy diaper change. Even if at first I just want to keep you all to myself I will do my best to share you with other loving hands.
I cannot wait to meet you, hold your little body naked and warm it with mine. Cacoon you within my chest and arms. Kiss the top of you head endlessly. Look at the uniqueness and beauty that already is you. Feel a tiny squeeze from your little hand wrap my finger and just get to know you, day by day.
I am so excited to bring you home to the wonderful family Jay and I have created and the extended family we are so blessed to have, who will adore you. I can't wait to watch your daddy fall in love with you like he did with Liam and be so good at taking care of you; your brother hug you and give you kisses, wanting to hold you and watch every poopy diaper change. Even if at first I just want to keep you all to myself I will do my best to share you with other loving hands.
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