Wanting Another Child

After Liam was born and we were fortuitous that he was healthy, even at his small 4 lbs., we had decided that we would have no more children of our own. Five and a half months in bed, 10 weeks in the hospital, had cured me of wanting to take that type of chance again. So at my first doctor's visit, I had an IUD inserted. After three years however, I struggled with the desire to have another child. I had always seen four of us around the dinner table. Jay was fearful, of course, and while I was also, my need to have another child and a sibling for Liam was stronger than any fear.

My IUD had been causing funny things in my body for the past six months and I thought I was pregnant. Totally scared, I decided to wait to find out for a couple of weeks because I wasn't ready to decide what I'd do. When the test came out negative, I was saddened. That told me what I needed to do.

One day at my friend's Thelma's house, my eyes got stuck onto a plaque on the wall that stated, "Courage." I stared at it for a long time and it was there in that moment that I decided we had to do it again. I had the courage and that was all it took just to try. That didn't mean it would result in anything or in what I wanted, but trying was the first step we needed to take.

Without agenda, only a babysitter (mom), one night later that week Jay and I went to have sushi at a great restaurant and then to a movie. During dinner I brought up the subject of wanting to try again. I got teary eyed just because the subject of babies, carrying a baby, and all of that ensued for me brought up a deep sense of vulnerability I was still carrying years after Liam. Now that Liam and his sensory issues were almost gone and everything was simple again, I was ready to take that leap of faith.