Good Bye, Genevieve

Genevieve:

I sat at your kitchen table and looked outside your window the day of your funeral. Your bird feeders were empty. The birds, rich with song that once graced them and us every morning had taken flight elsewhere. It then occurred to me just how fleeting life is, how it really waits for no one. I wept. I wept for them, I wept for life, I wept for you. How long had it been since you enjoyed feeding them? How long had it been since you sat at that table and truly marveled at their colors, their song? Even the struggle with the squirrels, the chipmunks was now over. You taught me the beauty of bird watching. And nowhere could I do it like when I saw them from your window. The calmness inside the home you created wherever you went was conducive to sit and idly be a keen observer. How many mornings did we just sit and with a cup of coffee in our hands did we chat about nothing in particular and all the things that mattered at the same time. How I miss and will continue to miss that simple practice. Your love through guidance. I still hear your voice, and God do I miss it. It pains me that your last days could not have been sitting on the recliner watching your feathery friends, fly all around you, sing you praise and wrap you with love. Help you take your last flight in comfort and company. Who will feed those birds now? Would they come back even if we did upon a visit? The tiny, fragile hummingbirds, the bright cardinals, the ever constant finches? Or perhaps they have followed your spirit, your soul.

I thank you once again for having bestowed upon my life the greatest gift - the man I married, your son. In him you imparted the importance of observation, pausing life to enjoy nature's beauty in a flower, a scent, the song of a bird. It never occurred to me until your passing that all these years he's shared beautiful moments like the budding of a rose, a bird on our rooftop, the scent of our Jasmine, it was a lesson or something intrinsic he learned from you. Every time I come upon one of these little miracles I vow to think of you, speak your name under my breath and hold your presence in my heart. The heart that misses you but never forgets.

While the memory of you rises in me many times throughout the day, it is at night that I reserve a special time to miss you, speak to you, remember you with intention. I have included you in my routine of putting Lucas down for sleep every night. I wish and would like to believe that you are there, in his room with us, watching us and watching over him. One night I swear you were there. I dim the lights, I nurse him and sing him songs and talk to you and him about you. While he will have been too young to remember, I will impart him with my memories of you. I ask you every night to watch over him. The week after we came home from your funeral he cried himself to sleep several nights in a row for a long time. Then I saw him smile in the opposite direction and reach with his tiny hand and bat it at the air in front of him several times. He cooed in a way he had never done and kept smiling. I swore you were there and felt deep love. I asked you to sing him to sleep, to visit him and bring him love and peace from wherever you may be. That night he settled right down before I left his room. I walked out, closed the door, and he slept all night. I'd like to believe you were there that night with us. Perhaps looking at us and me not being able to see you. Every night I hear the crib's mattress creek when I'm nursing Lucas and say hello. Maybe you are there. Your leaving has left such sorrow in my heart that I will believe you are there, watching from wherever you may be taking your much deserved rest, still loving us.

Lucas's First Teeth

Lucas got his first tooth on Friday, Oct. 14th in the evening right after a very crabby nap. Then the other tooth next to it (both on bottom center), started to show two days later. I love it, except that before while we'd put our fingers in his mouth and the gummies were cute, now they hurt....a lot! Very sharp little bumps!

36.5 Weeks and About to Pop

I just looked at the calendar, where every week is marked as another week together. And although I had tried not to mark too many in the future in fear of not making it that far, I have marked up through 37 weeks. I can't believe we're at 36.5 weeks. The last few days have been really rough for us. I keep trying to remind myself at every uncomfortable rising in my body that you must also be feeling cramped in that small space that my body affords you. While my belly feels every tight pulling apart, your body must feel constrained in each of your movements as well. This give and take, tug and pull is amazing if you stop to really think about it. Life is just that way.

While I am ready to meet you and pull you onto my chest and stare at the newness of you I know that we need to hold on for a few more days. Today is a Saturday and our doctor is away until Monday. So we have to play it safe for a little while longer. I have the hospital bag packed, including yours with your little tiny clothes.

I still can't believe that we don't know whether you are a boy or a girl and more so, that we are not crazy to find that out more than whether you will be fair skinned like daddy's family and Liam or more olive complected like my family. Whether you will have dark or light hair, dark or light eyes...and goodness, how big you will be. I know you are already bigger than your brother Liam was at birth, which is wonderful and scary for me during your delivery. I am so excited! I will try to bring up this excitement at every discomfort my body feels.

Photso

In preparing myself for a year long project of mindfulness practice in calculated ways, I've been reading the magazine my sister bought me a subscription to, "Shambhala Sun." In an article titled, "Just Leap!," I read the following passage.

"Our outrageousness in leaping does not come from insecurity, wildness, or insanity. This kind of leap is a form of confidence, a confluence of wisdom mixed with bravery. It has a quality of enlightened calculation and chutzpa, awakened audacity. The Tibetan word is photso, 'accurate assessment." We have, through enlightened assessment, calculated how to go beyond the magnetic pull of the setting sun. We know deep inside that we can do it-and that we must do it."

This passage really describes the leaping I did into this pregnancy. The article discusses that we must take leaps and the concept of abruptness to awaken the mind. I can best be summed up by "A key element of braery, says Sakyong Mipham, is abruptness- the ability to break free from hesitation and suddenly leap from our habitual patterns to the awake mind."

35 Weeks Together

We have made it so far, baby. I am so grateful at the divinity in the world manifesting a little bit of itself into the divinity within me. Namaste. For I listened to it, trusted the voice I heard, and allowed myself to surrender to it completely, feeling no fear or negativity. Only hope and light guided my way once I made the decision to have you. Knowing all of the challenges that I would - and which I have faced in this pregnancy, like with Liam's, never deterred me or made me look back. And I have to say that I am proud that at the strength that lies within me that allowed me to follow through. It took four and a half years, but I did it.

I cannot wait to meet you, hold your little body naked and warm it with mine. Cacoon you within my chest and arms. Kiss the top of you head endlessly. Look at the uniqueness and beauty that already is you. Feel a tiny squeeze from your little hand wrap my finger and just get to know you, day by day.

I am so excited to bring you home to the wonderful family Jay and I have created and the extended family we are so blessed to have, who will adore you. I can't wait to watch your daddy fall in love with you like he did with Liam and be so good at taking care of you; your brother hug you and give you kisses, wanting to hold you and watch every poopy diaper change. Even if at first I just want to keep you all to myself I will do my best to share you with other loving hands.

Jay's Writing on Beauty at Age 12

In the middle of a set of baby pictures Jay took from his closet a folded piece paper fell out this past weekend. I asked if I could post it on my blog since he doesn't maintain one and is all too humble. I have always loved his writing but this is the youngest one of his I have read. In this I see my love at this tender young age and can see why he is who he is, and how he is still this little boy of 12. I fall in love with him all over again. One side read,
"Jay Oyster, 3-10-79, Reading #301"

Title: "Beauty in Miniature"
"Beauty is found in many small things. If only people would take time to look and see it.
In my opinion beauty is like a chick trying to get out of its egg, or buds of a soon to be here leaf of a tree. But different people have different ideas of beauty. Some people might think a cellophane candy wrapper is beautiful.
A blade of grass, a leaf, a tiny plant, and even a rock can have beauty. You just have to look for it."

I can clearly see the tenderness in his eyes of a child and of the man with whom I am privileged to share my life. I didn't want to lose this paper and not have a copy.

Super Hero or Super Foe

I know that there are two different ideologies coming anywhere from parents to experts regarding what children watch on television to weather or not playing with guns is harmful to a child's, or boy's psyche. Although I knew that I would at some point have to be uncomfortable with my son, Liam, playing with guns, I lost this battle at 4 1/2. I did notice that although there were no toy guns in the house, he did come home from school making them up out of sticks or legos. Okay, I gave in. There were no phrases of "killing" people or things so I thought it was fun time with daddy shooting all around the house and lots of laughter. They were having a ball.

Then we had an incident at school where he was punched from behind by a kid who already had a history of hitting Liam - another story another blog later- Liam fell down and the boy jumped on Liam's back and wouldn't get off of him. Later, at a teacher conference we found out that there had been four boys, Liam included, playing super heroes, specifically, Power Rangers. Liam had decided to be the bad guy "red guy" so he had gotten attacked by a good guy. All the boys were questioned and they all had concurred with what had happened but Liam is a bit more sensitive than most boys physically as he doesn't have anyone at home to play them with.

What I'm trying to get at though, is that I don't understand why parents allow their children to watch this stuff on TV? Liam has learned all about guns and superheroes at school, since we haven't taught it to him. Maybe it's our fault for being older parents who cater more the arts then the aggressive shows or movies. And even when Jay watches something too aggressive (with guns or violence) he never does it around Liam. And while some may argue that it is healthy if you watch it with your kids and explain it. However, my gut tells me it isn't appropriate when kids are only four. Only four. Isn't there so much more they could be learning than this? I mean, if parents didn't allow them to watch this stuff then yes, they would probably get it from somewhere else, but that argument would be less argued at the tender age of four.

Parents watch wrestling shows, boxing, movies like Iron Man and other violent movies because THEY want to watch it at the selfishness and risk of how a four year old mind internalizes and processes this information. You can't just tell a child, "Well, that's just pretend" expecting that they won't use it on another kid. Not at the age of four. They don't really understand the dynamics of this yet. I wish parents had better minds or sense in them than this. Take your child fishing, throwing or kicking a ball outside, teach them how to ride a bike. Anything but being plugged in to violence. After all, violence only begets violence. And while yes, they can learn from violence, not at this age.

Entering the Third Trimester

Pregnancy reminds me so much of just living life's finite stages and trying to find the grace within each one of them, always trying to navigate them in a more happy and healthy way. We know that at the end of nine months we will give birth to a child, hopefully one whose arrival was eagerly anticipated, so is my case. While I'd love to be one of those women who blissfully sail through pregnancies without nausea, morning or in my case, all day sickness, exhaustion, and everything people never tell you about pregnancy, I'm not one of those women. Not only am I high risk but also had horrible first and second trimesters of throwing up multiple times per day and when that ended, the next stage began the following day, horrific heartburn that brought on fear and took away all desire to eat. Yes, they do have pills for that, and as soon as I learned when to appropriately medicate I got diabetes so then the food that I had started to enjoy became my enemy every time the little sugar meter beeped into a culmination of numbers higher than 120.

Now I have entered the third trimester and after a month of balancing sugars, they no longer balance. Rules abound: eat an apple, must eat cottage cheese; no juices; no starches- and can I say how much I love my whole wheat rice, pasta and potatoes? At my last OB visit, Dr. Jamison instructed me to gain weight. However, how does one who starts out pregnancy at 87 lbs. gain weight if on a serious carbohydrate diet? We will have this conversation once again next week.

Now at 29.2 weeks and so excited to be here. I have gained about 11 lbs. so far, which I know for a woman who is so underweight (even though proportionate), I need to gain more. My belly has grown bigger than when I delivered Liam and I am at the exact weight, 98 lbs. I bump into everything now and my center of equilibrium is a little off. All the counters seem to want to fight me and poke me. Turning at night is a horrible 10 time (for peeing) 5 point parallel park of a large Cadillac in a tight VW Beetle spot. Pillows all around, separating me from the love of my life with whom I've always spooned. It's no wonder that I get up now at 5 a.m. and try to enjoy the start of a new day.

Two days ago the baby got the hiccups for the first time. That was so neat. I'd been waiting and frankly, a little concerned that it had not yet happened. Liam got the hiccups before the 24th week. These hiccups are so cute and so different. For each hiccup Liam had my belly shook like a 6.7 Chilean size-mick earthquake. This baby hiccups like a whisper, only for a very short time. Liam sometimes would hiccup all day long. It's unbelievable the things we remember.

Liam Remembers His Birth

The other day Liam and I were taking a shower and ever so fascinated with the growth of my belly, naturally started asking questions about when the baby will be born. Then, while casually playing with measuring tubes and cups we have in the shower, he said, "Well mommy, when I came out someone took me away from you, I didn't know where you were and I didn't like it." Shocked, I asked him when was this thinking he might be referring to a recent time and he reiterated that it was when "I came out of you." I know I have very few memories of childhood - for other reasons- but I couldn't believe what he was telling me. It was as though the next words to come out of his mouth would be "don't let it happen with this baby." Then he just continued to play with his back towards me like he had. He said it so matter of fact, as if it was a memory of something that happened a few days ago.

Later that night Jay asked him questions and he answered them correctly. Even Jay, who would typically be the non-believer, said, "He remembers his birth." That just made me start to think differently about this child's birth. I'm glad that the NICU team was waiting outside, at my doctor's orders, until he was born and we had a quiet, mostly dark room and very serene while he was born. Now we will strive for the same or better.

Truly on Bedrest From Now On

Yesterday we had a good OB visit with Dr. Richard Jamison. Good things: baby is head down but not too far down, when he felt the head the baby bounced up, I'm not dilated, I still have good cervical length (about 2.47 cm with stitch), and we've crossed a major milestone (28 weeks).

Bad news: I can't go to the John Mellencamp concert with my sister when she comes for my baby shower and from now on, I need to be in bed, no more running around with errands or shopping.

Dr. Jamison said that I could stand to gain some weight. I am currently at (to most people's shock) 98 lbs. My personal goal is 108. Hopefully then I can keep some after the baby is born so I can use it for working out and gaining muscle mass and strength.

Dear Flutters - Letter 2

We are in the middle of our 27th week together and I am so grateful for each day we have together. I am now filled with hope, not fear. As you grow bigger and my belly reflects it, I am astounded by the changes taking place...my belly button popping out, my now weighing 98 lbs. (which is what I weighed when I delivered your brother, Liam), and discovering the many veins inching from the side of my belly towards the front. Lucky I have not spotted any stretch marks yet. But these are all superficial things.

I still love to feel all your movements. Especially the ones at night, right after we lie down and try to settle in. You make me lie to my right and after an hour you fall asleep. And through all of your sleep patterns it makes me feel as though your schedule will be routine when you come out, but I'm sure this is just wishful thinking on my part. It does however, along with my experience of Liam's baby months, how important routine will be for our successful and happy few months together.

This week we had a lot of doctor visits. First was to check how well you were holding inside me. And since now you are spending most of your head down into my pelvic cavity you are increasing the pressure, also making me funnel. But I don't mind because we want to avoid a C-section at all costs. Also, since your movements are getting stronger my contractions are becoming more frequent so I begged both doctors for the steroid shots to develop your lungs early. We did this over the last two days at the hospital so now I feel more relieved. While lying on the hospital bed with the toco machines around my belly my mind was immediately brought back to why I was able to stay 10 weeks in the hospital with Liam - listening to your heartbeat was the most remarkable and soothing sound in the world.

Letter to the Baby in My Belly

Dear Flutters,

Thank you for the miracle of allowing me to carry you. Each and every day I give thanks to God and the universe for her hand in giving me the courage to get pregnant again and then for having it happen so quickly before fears made that courage wain. I have written letters to you in my head so many times during this pregnancy but somehow, feeling less than well has not allowed me to commit them to paper. Today we are between our 23rd and 24th week together and I am starting to feel better physically. Your daddy and I have decided not to find out whether you are a boy or a girl. I rather be excited by your flutters and looking at my belly move than in picturing what you will look like, or even put any expectations on you as gender somehow does even unconsciously. (When I was pregnant with your older brother, Liam, I did not wait and subsequently saw what he could look like at the face of every little boy I saw.) Now I rather live in the fun of not knowing, relishing in your movements and concentrate on growing you strong and healthy regardless of your gender.

You are already such a mover. I relish in all your movements. Most women would be upset to have a high risk pregnancy in which they must take periods of rest but this is when I attune myself to you, and you alone. I was fortunate to do this with Liam and I wouldn't have it any other way. These are memories that create a bonding love that seals us together for the future to come. The nurturing that begins in these moments are nothing to be taken lightly. Last night, lying in bed you were moving your little feet in a stroking pattern across the middle of my belly. It seemed as though you were using the bottom of your toes to gently tickle me. In excitement I shared it with your daddy and wished that he could feel it too.

For the past month or so your schedule has become very defined. I can tell exactly what time it is by your movements. You already have a pattern that is fairly routine. In the evening, after we put Liam to bed I come to bed after a relaxing shower where I just stare at the growth my belly is taking. And without fail, at 9:30 each night I know it is so because you start your most moving times. For 45 minutes to one hour you squirm, kick, move your arms, all in what already seems like a vie for attention. I stop what I'm doing and instantly a smile curls from the edges of my lips. The anticipation starts to build as all I can think of is the time that perhaps this will be our time together - your daddy and I with you in our bed completely marveling at the immenseness of love for someone so tiny, like we did with Liam, and all the while knowing how lucky we are to have our hearts open once more.

I can't help to think that you are developing a little personality as well in there. You have your favorite positions at certain times of the day. Every evening, after the hour long movements it's as though you are ready to surrender into slumber. Once your movements come to an end, after a couple of minutes you get restless and if I'm sitting up in bed, or reclining just a bit, you try to manipulate me into lying down. You will quickly position the backside of your body fully towards the right of my belly, pushing so immensely tight, creating a visibly lopsided bubble of my belly, bringing on a contraction that takes my breath away. And I know the only way to get you to move is to lie down towards one side or another. I even say, "Okay, okay. I'll lie down." And immediately you settle down and I don't feel you until morning. This just amazes me. I can only hope that will be the case once you are here after you gain enough weight to sustain yourself throughout the night without nursing.

I am so looking forward to the next perinatologist appointment on February 1, where I will see you again on the big screen. The first time I saw you as human looking I marveled at your little bones, so well defined and the clarity with which I could see your movements. It was amazing to watch you kick me and feeling it simultaneously. The following month, which was the last time I saw you, I noticed that your bones were not as visible and I asked Betsy, the sonographer, why that was. And laughingly she answered, "Because the baby is getting fleshier and fuller. Muscles are now wrapping around those tiny bones you saw four weeks before." Oh, if one could only capture in a picture the emotions inside.

It was a couple of days later, sitting in my car with the engine turned off and looking at the pictures from that ultrasound I carry in my wallet, that I fell in love with you. There was no looking back. Amazing how that happens. It was a picture of your face and your hand with your tiny fingers spread openly. Now there is nothing I wouldn't do. My heart swells yet again for another being. And it does amaze me how the heart grows to feel this immense love rather than divide a finite amount of love we are allotted at birth or something. I never thought I could feel this way again and I am so glad to be proven so wrong.