Headbanging & Tantrums - Part 2

According to Baby Center:
"Head banging is surprisingly common. Up to 20 percent of babies and toddlers bang their head on purpose, although boys are three times more likely to do it than girls. Head banging often starts in the second half of the first year and peaks between 18 and 24 months of age. Your baby's head-banging habit may last for several months, or even years, though most children outgrow it by age 3."

We took Liam to a child psychiatrist, after he'd been evaluated for his overall development and he scored the highest in all areas, speech, cognitively, gross and fine motor skills, etc. Through the psychiatrist we were recommended a child behavior specialist. We hired a great specialist who came to our house on a weekly basis. First, she evaluated him through us and then in his own environment. She learned what my sister had already told me, we were not being consistent with him and he was ruling our home. He was also so stubborn and persistent and us so laid back and easy going that the combination was toxic. We were negatively feeding from each other and Jay and I were exhausted with him, so we gave in......way too much. The behaviorist said we had a child centered home, where he and his wishes came first and then we did. We needed to turn that around. So she armed us with tools of "calm down" times and limit settings and told us to prepare for the next two weeks of hell he'd put us through.

Because the headbanging was bad at this point, putting him in calm down time didn't work, we knew it wouldn't. With her, we watched him bang over and over. Until she said that he needed to learn to calm down on his own in a safe place. So I went to the fabric store and bought $100 worth of upholstering foam, the stuff is really expensive. I came home and completely covered his entire crib full of foam, wrapped around with tape and quilts in a way that he couldn't pull it off. The bed also became too difficult to jump out of, like he used to when he was really upset. Every time he made the most minor infraction we had to put him in there until he realized it was wrong and until he calmed down. The reasons he headbanged, which I haven't yet mentioned until now were: he wanted something we wouldn't give him or took something away,
or a child took something from him or he didn't want to share, etc.

Although the next two weeks were no fun days at the park, the improvements came quicker than we had anticipated. Liam went from calming down in one hour to 30 minutes, to 15 minutes, to 2 minutes in just one week. One of the ways that we started to prevent his tantrums was by using his bike helmet, like his psychiatrist had suggested. So we kept it inside the house and when he started to headbang we would restrain him and put it on him. He hated it. So soon he learned that the minute he started to headbang we'd show it to him and he would stop, even though he'd still have the tantrum by crying. This was such a nice change.

Another method, this one suggested by the behaviorist was to allow him to headbang, thus taking the control from him and using it against him. Although we were doubtful, it worked. It enraged him that he couldn't use his favorite control method against us. When he'd bang his head, I'd take him to the carpet and put a pillow down and say, "You're mad mad mad, bang your head, bang your head, make it hurt." He would look at me like "wow, why are you letting me do this." Then he'd get upset and slap something but would stop banging. Even though he still persisted pushing our buttons, he knew now what would come of it. During this time, he had just started school (last Sept.) and he also headbanged there when I left him because he had severe separation anxiety. But with the loving structure that his teachers provided him he started to have really good days there. These two methods worked for us and soon he stopped for the most part. Now he has learned to hit, or slap us when he gets upset, instead of headbanging. Even though he still will do it once, for attention, every once in a while, and we just ignore it or tell him it won't work and he doesn't do it again. He has come such a long way and we are so proud of the daily progress he makes through the hard work he does and we do together, as a family, being consistent, loving, and nurturing. We will never cease to try anything that will help him be the happiest, self-secure and loving person he can be. This was and is our only goal for him.

The thing that I've learned is that sensitive children is that their emotions range strongly in either direction and keeping them in the middle is hard for them, especially at this age. It is important to teach them about our feelings, labeling them when they are angry, sad, scared, happy, etc. And the more their communication improves and they learn to recognize and integrate these feelings to tell us what they're feeling, the less these tantrums will occur. After we stopped seeing the behaviorist we knew of another resource that would probably work better long term in identifying and helping us cope with some of this social anxiety, especially with children his age or slightly younger. Play Therapy. I will discuss these in another blog entry since it is quite extensive.