Numb

The past couple of days I have started to feel numb. My feelings seem trapped within a place deep within that I just can't reach. Mom's cancer has started proliferating now after 11 years. I got on antidepressant medication, Lexapro, about two weeks ago and maybe the medication doesn't let me feel the full effect of the anger and sadness I feel. But I'm still trying to reach those deep emotions I know I'd be feeling if not for my "happy pills." I have been reading a lot of Buddhist literature, Thich Nhat Hanh and such and while I wish for long term growth in this path right now I want to be angry. I want to tap into the primal, animalistic anger. I want to scream, cry, and experience those emotions that have in the past led me to some sort of release at the end. Except that I can't get there. Something is blocking like a windo I can't open. I can see through the other side but I just can't feel them.

Thich Nhat Hanh says to go and sit with that anger, that sadness, recognize it, meditate on it. The point of life is to simply be happy. But I don't want to be that mature, Buddhist now. I want to be my mommy's daughter. The one afraid for her loss and all that signifies in my life. I feel like there is a transition that I must make now and I'm in the in between. I know that hard times are coming, that I will be brought to my knees but I'm not there yet. And that knowing is frightening. I am afraid for her, for dad, for me, for what will be. I could try to enjoy the moments and I mostly do. But I can't look at her without thinking ahead.

So right now, my thoughts pause and I feel like a blank stare. As if I'm just staring into space without direction, literally and figuratively. Before the pills I couldn't get moving. Now I'm constantly moving without being able to stop so that I don't have to think. I am being mindful in sort of a mindless way. I am enjoying my home, the kids for the first time in a long time but now the weight of this is overwhelming. I wish I could just break down and cry and I can't.

I saw dad today and he asks how I am. Fine I say. How are you? Fine he says. There is so much pretext underneath that neither of us is willing to bring to the surface. I'm there for him in that way. Silent. Like we have been for so long. Hoping he doesn't break down. Hoping I don't say the wrong thing or go where he isn't ready to go yet.

Mom is unwilling to admit that a major part of the negativity he is projecting has anything to do with this cancer. With the fear of what's to come. She thinks that it's all Publix and that if he retired he'd be happy. She is afraid  to face the truth of his emotions and be responsible for them if even they are not her fault. Once again, can't go there. It can't ever be her fault or her causing. Because then she'd have work to do, work she isn't ready to. And for the first time she is the one that can't be strong for us. We have to be strong for her.

Maria is trying to compartmentalize her role in this. She is unwilling to go there every day. She can't call her every day so that she can stay positive for her job, her kids, all of which is doing so well. So I feel like I have no choice. And even if I did, I still would call her and see her b/c I want to. She's done so much for me. But I feel like it's so selfish. I know it's her right to limit her involvement but I think this is not the time for that. Now is the time to come together. However much is needed for mom. Hard times call for more, not less. We have to go there. Do the work. When we were little mom did the work for us regardless of how tired she was, regardless of any circumstance. She went there. Did the work. And now we as mothers we should know and do the same.

Still numb. Unable to process emotionally. All mental unable to group my mind and heart.