I no longer spill myself away

"She wants perpetually to spill herself away. All her instinct as a woman-the eternal nourisher of children, of men, of society-demand that she give." Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote this in Gift from the Sea in 1955 and how wise, she could see how women were starting back then to choose between staying home and having careers. Then she writes a couple of paragraphs later, "Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the time, the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim." This two quotes highly resonated with me in the manner in which I am beginning to feel what she describes, "It is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger."

What all this amounts to is that I am no longer overwhelmingly needed as I once was. Overwhelmingly is the operative word here. For the past three years of staying home, raising Liam, making dinner, and cleaning house all required so much to keep the scales from tipping. But now, Jay goes to work, Liam goes to preschool where he is well adjusted and happy, and here I sit, knowing I am ready to move on. For the past three years I have felt overwhelmed by Liam's sensitivities and the behavior issues I helped create by not being consistent enough or mindful enough of his needs for recharging, plus the demands of household tasks and the stretching of that copper penny. But I am no longer overwhelmed and back to being me, the person that can either live overwhelmed or bored, having a hard time living in the in between. There goes my Buddhist learnings again.

So I have updated my resume and found a job for which I'm applying and dreading not getting a first call back. How long can I sit here? I watch Jay struggle with a job that brings him no joy, only to come home and work on wood pendants to sell, not only because he loves his craft so much but also because we need the money. And what have I done? I've not contributed financially. I wouldn't work until I knew that Liam was doing well and now that he is, I feel lost and more alone than ever. I guess this is how it feels when fathers work, kids go to school and you are left behind. This is what my father warned me about. "The conversation will die," he once said, referring to the disconnect between husband and wife. I just didn't think this change would happen so quickly and makes me wonder how my mother could have endured living in this country this way for 25 years.

Now I see why I have been pulling myself away from Jay more and more every day. I have felt shameful in taking me time to find my way back. He allowed me to stay home until I was ready, dropping hints and I spent time fighting his arguments because I wasn't ready to deal with it. And now that is what is bothering me so much, that I took far longer than I thought I would in finding my way back. There goes me, the practical, project oriented, deadline driven A type personality whose rigidity her. I am always 37 steps ahead of everyone on completing tasks and now I took my time, without so much as a gant chart to drive me to completion. And while it sounds so zen to just go along every day mindfully, and I have enjoyed it tremendously, I feel like I failed at what I do best, keep on keeping on. And while my sister says that after all of the difficulty I had adjusting to Liam's sensitivities, I deserve time to heal, regroup now that he's at school. But I can't without the guilt. I can only live either in overwhelmed mode or in guilt mode for not being overwhelmed, because if I'm not overwhelmed then clearly I'm not doing enough. Hence why I could quit a career, start a new job, start and finish a Masters program and a new job in two years time, oh yes, and get through a bedridden pregnanacy.

So now I am growing restless and depression is seeking in. This is exactly what happened to my parents and I'll be dammed if it happens to me. So here it goes cosmos, I am putting out my wish to the universe that I need to go back to work and become fulfilled once again in a career I love. Cheers!!